The 50 Best One Liner Jokes

Quirky and funny jokes,  Check out this compilation of hilarious jokes and share them with your friends

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
 



I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
 



Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.
 



Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nuts
 



I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
 



Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
 



You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
 



I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
 



The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 



“Don’t kid yourself” would be a great slogan for a condom company
 



A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
 



If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
 

A big shout out to sidewalks… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 



Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
 



Everyone’s middle name should be “Motherf*ckin”. Try it. Doesn’t it sound so great?
 



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 



I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
 



Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood…
 



Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
 



Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
 



The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
 



Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about
 



Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
 



I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit..”
 



I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.
 



I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
 



Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
 



When the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I’m moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
 



When I was on acid I would see things that looked like beams of light. and I would hear things that sounded like car horns
 



I may not be jesus but I can turn water into koolaid
 



Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy
 



It’s funny how axe handles are made of wood. It’s like the ultimate ‘F*ck you’ to trees.
 



Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich
 


It’s so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
 

 

Never make an arm wrestling bet with a man that has been single for longer than 6 months.
 



Men are like babies… when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!
 


Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f*ck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.
 



If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 



If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 



Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
 



Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
 



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
 



I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously killed seven.
 



I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
 



What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomaniac 18 year old girlfriend.
 



You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
 



Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
 



If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
 



What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 



A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
 



Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them” I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.
 



My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
 



I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
 



I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 



Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
 



When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 



Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
 



The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
 



I have all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
 



Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
 



I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
 



An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.


I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it, and he’s always on time.
 



One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.
 



The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
 



The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
 



I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
 



One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn’t ride around her. I told her that I didn’t think I had enough gas
 



Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
 



What do men and beer bottles have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
 


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
 



A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually

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