Clean Jokes – The 50 Best Clean And Funny Jokes For Kids – Check out this funny collection and share them with your friends on social media.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill.”
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: Why does Mr. Pencil hate Mr. Pen so much?
A: Because he is an erascist.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
High Tech Grocery Store
A new super high tech grocery store recently opened in Orlando, Florida. It has the standard automatic water misters to keep the produce fresh, but just before it mists, one hears the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When one passes the diary freezer, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh mown hay. Going in the meat department one can smell the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and barbecued ribs. When you pass the fresh eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of morning eggs and bacon. In the bread department, a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and soft warm rolls. But I don’t buy my toilet paper there any more.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.” The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”
Married To A Jerk
While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ. “I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.”
Cheeseburger and Fries
Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”
“That’s disgusting, don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”
“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living?
A: A Poptometrist!
Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: I don’t know, but something between us smells.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
How People Were Born
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Super Bowl Seat
A gentleman has 50 yard line Super Bowl tickets. When he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. “No, it is empty. ” “That is incredible, who in their right mind would have a seat for the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?” The second man replied, “Well, the seat belongs to me actually. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967. ” “Oh, I am sorry, that is terrible. But could you not find someone else. A friend, relative, or a neighbour to take the seat?” The man shook his head. “No, They are all at the funeral.”
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 30 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy immediately drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you thinking? Sneakers will not help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to out run the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to out run you.”
A well respected local surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was watching the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor answered it and heard a fellow doctor colleague on the other end. “We need a fourth for our poker game tonight” said the friend. “Very well. I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!”
7 Miles A Day
Overweight American went to see his family doctor for some weight loss advice. The doctor advised that the best medicine was to run seven miles a day for forty days. The doctor promised, that would help him lose as much as fifteen pounds. The American followed the doctor’s advice, and, after forty days, he had indeed lost the fifteen pounds. He phoned the doctor and thanked him very much for the excellent advice which produced his weight loss results. At the end of the conversation, he asked one last question: “How do I get home, now that I am 280 miles away from home?”
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: Where does the president keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her “go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?” The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!” The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. “The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed. The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
A man placed some carnations on the grave of his departed mother and headed back to his car. His attention was diverted to man kneeling at a grave headstone who was praying with profound intensity and repeating “Why did you have to die?” “Why did you have to die?” The first man approached and said “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your moment of grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I have ever seen before. Whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A caring parent? A close sibling? The mourner took a moment to collect his thoughts, then replied “My wife’s first husband.”
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”
Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
A Special Drink
One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri – a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, ‘This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!’
‘No, I’m sorry’, replied the bartender, ‘it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.
Two atoms were walking down the sidewalk and suddenly one slips off the curb and says “Oh no, I’ve lost my electron!”
The other atom says “Are you sure?”
1st atom says “Yes, I’m positive!”
Old Man Speeding
A senior citizen picked up his brand new Corvette convertible and drove out of the car dealership. As he is going down the road, he decides to floor it up to 80 mph, enjoying the wind passing through the little hair he had. “Amazing,” he felt as he flew down the I-90, he jams the pedal down even more as he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees a state trooper right behind him, lights a flashing and siren a blaring. So he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 .. suddenly he thought, “What am I doing I’m too old for this!” and pulls over to await the trooper’s arrival. The trooper pulling in behind him, walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me one good reason for your speeding that I’ve never heard of before, I’ll let you go on your way.” Well the senior citizen paused. Then explained that “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back to me!” “Very well! Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
Let Me Speak
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, officer, I just wanted to say,…” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied the bellman. “Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.” “Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
Q: What do you call sad coffee?
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I’ll hang around
Q: Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!
Q: How do you change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
A: You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
A Terrible Drink
A man’s wife was complaining to their friends about her husband who was spending all his free time in the bar. So this one night he decided to invite her along to the bar with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched in amazement, then took a sip from her glass. She immediately spat it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “How you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” said the husband. “And you think I’m out here enjoying myself every night!”
Strange Dog Names
At the dog park, this elderly lady had two rather large Rottweiler dogs. On being asked the dogs’ names by another park visitor she replied “One is called Timex and the other Rolex.” Wow, Them’s some strange names for dogs the visitor replied. Oh no, the elderly lady dog owner replied “Them’s watch dogs”
A guy got on a bus one day and sat down in an aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn’t control himself and let loose a big noisy fart. Well very embarrassed, he tried to strike up a conversation with the lady and asked her “Do you by any chance have today’s paper?” The lady looked at him and said, “No, but the next time we pass by a tree I’ll grab you a handful of leaves.
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?” “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”
Harold’s new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, “If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.” The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, “This small thing, a watch dog? You’re kidding, right?” The employee says, “No, this dog is special; he knows karate.” “Karate? I don’t believe it,” Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, “Karate the sign.” And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, “Karate the chair.” And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. “I’ll take him,” he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, “This little thing, a watch dog? No way.” Harold says, “But this dog knows karate.” “Karate,” she yells. “Karate my butt!”