50 Best Funny Sayings – The Best Quotes And Sayings

50 Really Funny Sayings – Guaranteed to make you laugh, as least a little! Share these funny sayings with your friends on social media.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
 

No thanks, I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.
 

Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.
 

Of course I can keep secrets. But the people I tell them to obviously can’t.
 

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
 

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
 

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

 

I think the problem with people like that is that they’re so stupid they don’t know how stupid they are. – John Cleese
 

Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light’, but with twenty percent fewer letters.

I think the problem with people like that is that they’re so stupid they don’t know how stupid they are. – John Cleese

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
 

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
 

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

 

If a problem can be solved then there’s no use worrying about it, but if a problem can’t be solved then what’s the use of worrying

I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out

Remember, you are absolutely unique. Just like everybody else.

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

Good thing Noah took those two coffee beans on board.
 

Finally, the spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.

The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
 

I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too far.

Don’t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks. – Charlie Chaplin
 

Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language.
 

Time is the best teacher, Unfortunately it kills all its students!
 

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

You are so fake, even China doesn’t want to be associated with you.

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke

Go bungee jumping. Your life started with a malfunctioning rubber, so it’s only right it should end that way, too.

Girl you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. – Kurt Vonnegut

If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.
 

If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
 

Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help

Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.

I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.
 

I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
 

I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.
 

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
 

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
 

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

I’m not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork.
 

There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
 

My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry

Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?