Hilariously Funny Facebook Statuses
And Get Tons
Of Likes On Facebook!
The best feature of the iPhone is the
feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
Current caffeine level: scared Chihuahua
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the
women are men, and the children are the FBI.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk
for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things
happen to good people.
Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was
chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bug off, my dog
does not own a bike!
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see
I'd walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of
authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
There are some people that come into your life and instantly
you know you want them to get the hell out your life..
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three
in the morning anyhow?
I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion
at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to
search for "hardcore poem"?
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and
greet people before he gets a chance.
I swear to god if this girl doesn't get my coffee order
right I'm gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again
The phrase "Don't take this the wrong way." has a zero
percent success rate.
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three.
Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished
without a tres
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Can we collectively make a New Year's
resolution to never use the word "bae" again?
Money canít buy love, but it improves your bargaining
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't
want to go to in the first place.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought,
'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from
the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I donít think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and
expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away
from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was
meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.