Hilariously Funny Facebook Statuses
And Get Tons
Of Likes On Facebook!
Taking shots of Tequila is just another
way of saying,
"I like where I wake up to always be a
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube
from the kitchen floor.
I'm an adult, but not "I watch the news & know what's going
on in the World & shit" adult.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can
accidentally make a baby but you can't accidentally make a
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
It's getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking
people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman's
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran
2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.
Ironically the only way I'd watch the 50 Shades of Grey
movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you're 3 and your parents are
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years
you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids
how they met? "Well, it all started one day when your dad
'liked' one of my selfies."
In hell you just stand in line at a DMV while "Happy" by
Pharrell plays on an endless loop.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a
I hate when Netflix asks if I'm still watching. You really
think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the
gym or if I'm at Walmart
A threesome? No thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people
at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
If hearing "I love you" was enough,
we'd all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2)
Shoes you can't afford 3) Periods 4) Men
A few more months without getting laid and I should be
eligible for employment at Gamestop.
I've found if you tuck one part of a pant leg into your
sock, people expect less of you.
If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french
fries are gross.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light
honk when it turns green.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when
people are nice to them?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on
your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to