50 Best And Funniest Jokes

50 Really Funny Jokes – Check out this hilarious collection of funny jokes, them with your friends on Facebook and twitter and get tons of likes!

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Having An Affair
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
 



Adopted Twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
 



Wanna Race?
A Man Pulls Into a Gas Station in his Porsche, and a kid on a tricycle starts riding around him.
“Wanna race?” asks the kid.
“No thanks,” laughs the guy and drives off.
When he gets on the highway, the kid suddenly zooms past him. “Wow!” the guy says and floors it. He catches up and the kid disappears behind him. A minute later the kid flies past again. Astonished, the guy pulls over, only to see the kid come zooming backward, then forward again, until finally he comes to a stop next to the car.
The man opens the door to find the kid on his tricycle, wheels smoking. The kid pants, “Thanks for stopping mister. My suspenders got caught in your door.”


25 Cents
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
 



Two Buddies
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one. “Well, not exactly.” His friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.” “Oh, I see, kinky, huh?” “Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A: She can’t find the eleven.
 



Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.
 



Q: How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?
A: Pretty hot
 



Q: What did the two iPhones say to the two iPads?
A: “Want to get kinky and have a 4G?”
 



Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?
A: Everyone skips the flat ones.

Self Esteem
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

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How People Were Born
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
 

Riding Bikes
Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark. “I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women. “Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.”
 



Married Life
Married man Don is talking to his single pal Ryan about settling down, confiding, “It’s nice to come home to someone who’s happy to see you.” “That’s what my dog is for,” Ryan replies. “Not the same thing.” Don scoffs. “Oh ,yeah?” says Ryan. “Just lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and see who’s still happy to see you when you let them out an hour later.”




Little Johnny
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.” Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?” The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
 

Q: What has 100 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo
 



Q: How do you cure bedwetting?
A: With an electric blanket.
 



Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.
 



Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
 



Q: What’s the best thing about having an emo lawn?
A: You never have to mow-it cuts itself.

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Shopping Couple
A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn’t afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?” Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could I ­forget?” Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.”
 



Trapped On An Island
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 



Startle Yourself
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
 



Going To A Party
A man wearing a stove-pipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat orders a drink at a bar. “Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks. “Yeah,” the man replies. “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.” “So why are you dressed as Abe Lincoln?” “My last four scores were seven years ago.”

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Shopping Couple
A couple is shopping in the mall for hours. The wife turns to talk to her husband and realizes he’s nowhere in sight. Angry, she calls his cell phone and asks where he disappeared to. “Honey,” he says, “remember that jewelry store we walked by a few years ago, and you loved the gold locket in the window but we couldn’t afford it, so I told you I would buy it for you one day?” Choked up, the wife replies, “Yes, how could I ­forget?” Her husband goes on, “Well, I’m at the bar next door to it if you need me.”
 



Trapped On An Island
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
 



Startle Yourself
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
 



Going To A Party
A man wearing a stove-pipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat orders a drink at a bar. “Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks. “Yeah,” the man replies. “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.” “So why are you dressed as Abe Lincoln?” “My last four scores were seven years ago.”

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Up On A Roof
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

Q: How do Chinese people name their babies? 
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.
 



Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” 
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
 



Q: Did you ever date a midget?
A: Yes, I was just nuts over her.
 



Q: What do dolphins have that no other mammals have? 
A: Baby dolphins.

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Up On A Roof
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

Q: How do Chinese people name their babies? 
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.
 



Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” 
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
 



Q: Did you ever date a midget?
A: Yes, I was just nuts over her.
 



Q: What do dolphins have that no other mammals have? 
A: Baby dolphins.

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Two Ministers
Two ministers are discussing their lives in the church, and one of them says, “I never slept with my wife until after we were married. How about you?” the second preacher thinks for a second, scratches his head, and says, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
 



Birth Control
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I’d like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
 



Nurse At The Bank
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some a**hole’s got my pen.”
 



Fascinate In A Sentence
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.” Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.” The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.” Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.” Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.” Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.” Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.” Johnny replied, “I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.”
 



Lie Detector Robot
A man buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who fib and tests it out at dinner. He asks his son, “Did you go to school today?” The son replies, “Yes,” and the robot slaps him. The sons says, “All right, I went to the movies.” The father asks, “What did you see?” and the son replies, “Toy Story 3.” The robot slaps him again, and the son says, “OK, OK! It was Gang Bang 3.” His father snorts and says, “When I was your age we didn’t know what porn was.” This time the robot slaps the father. The mother sputters in her coffee and retorts, “Ha! He’s your son, after all,” and the robot slaps her.

Yo momma’s so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left,” so she went home.


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, “What’s with the wheel?” The pirate says, “Arrrr! It drives me nuts!”
 



Two guys are driving to work when one asks the other if he talks to his wife after sex. “Yes,” replies the second guy. “If I can find a phone.”
 



A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”


A man calls 911: “Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!” After five minutes, the same man calls back and says, “Forget It, I found another one.”

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Talking To A Girl
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
 



At The Pharmacy
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replies. The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for? “Not exactly,” the boy says. “But they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother, he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either one.”
 



Hospital Patient
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse”, he mumbled from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the otherShe looks very closely and says, “don’t worry, sir. They look fine.” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely: are my test results back?”
 



Old Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
 


Personal Ad
A girls puts an ad online requesting a man who won’t hit her or leave her and is a great lover.
A few days later her doorbell rings and she finds a man with no arms and no legs.
He says to her, “I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and I have no legs, so I can’t run.”
She responds, “But the last part…”
He grins and says, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”


Man With A Tiny Head
A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks, “Sir, why do you have such a little head?” The man answers with a story, “One day when I was younger, I was fishing at the end of the dock and I got a huge bite. To my surprise, when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid, and she told me she would give me anything I asked for it I let her go free…”

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? “We better get some support before someone thinks we’re nuts!”
 



Two girls are drinking at a bar. One says, “If I have another drink, I’m going to feel it.”
The friend replies, “If I have another, I don’t care who feels it.”
 



Yo momma’s so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
 



Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

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