Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?


I’m proud to announce that I’m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don’t know we’re racing.


Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
 



I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
 



I swear to god if this girl doesn’t get my coffee order right I’m gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.
 



The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
 



Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres
 



Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.

Can we collectively make a New Year’s resolution to never use the word “bae” again?
 



Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
 



Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn’t want to go to in the first place.
 

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