I’m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue…

There are some people that come into your life and instantly you know you want them to get the hell out your life..

Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?

I’m proud to announce that I’m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don’t know we’re racing.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

I swear to god if this girl doesn’t get my coffee order right I’m gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.

Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres

Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.


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