Can we collectively make a New Year’s resolution to never use the word “bae” again?

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn’t want to go to in the first place.

A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.

I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking. 

That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH

I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her


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