A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.

I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking. 

That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH

I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying,

“I like where I wake up to always be a surprise.”

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I’m an adult, but not “I watch the news & know what’s going on in the World & shit” adult.

Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can’t accidentally make a pizza?


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