Ironically the only way I’d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.

Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

In hell you just stand in line at a DMV while “Happy” by Pharrell plays on an endless loop.

It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I’m at the gym or if I’m at Walmart

A threesome? No thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I’d go out to dinner with my parents.


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