If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
 



If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can’t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
 



A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
 



I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pant leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
 



If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
 



I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
 



Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
 



The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.

I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
 

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