I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.

I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.

Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?

I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to “mcnugget” a chicken?

The fact there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn’t ask me to help with stuff.

Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.

Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times

Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs


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