I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to “mcnugget” a chicken?
The fact there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn’t ask me to help with stuff.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.
Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs