Before coffee: Hates nearly everybody. After coffee: feels better about hating everybody.
 



It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
 



I used to wake up to cute texts. Now I just wake up to 100% battery.
 



“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee”
 



The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
 



There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
 



Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
 



Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it
 



I’m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
 



Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
 

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