Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.