Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”

Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.

Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy

If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.


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