Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
 



Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally
 



Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome
 



Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
 



Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
 



People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
 



Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
 



Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
 



Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
 

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