Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard