Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.

Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally

Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome

Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”

Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.

Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard


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