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There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.
That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to ‘single’ and your ex likes it.
LIKE if you always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.
That awkward moment when nobody likes your Facebook status.
Oh, it’s sunny outside. I better update my Facebook status for all of my friends that don’t have windows.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
Wife: Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio
I don’t know what I’d do without Facebook. Probably my work
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
I carry a magnum size condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper. Some day my prince will come.
I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday 35% Thursday 4% Friday
Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking, because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
In a few years priests will say, ‘You may now change your relationship status to husband and wife.’
The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source. – Oprah
A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There’s a tremendous amount of idiots who look so good. It’s frightening.
I don’t understand those couples that fight and then a minute later change their Facebook status to ‘Single.’ I fight with my parents but you don’t see me change my status to ‘Orphan.’
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
If you have someone following you that is ugly, they are a stalker. If the person is hot, they are your secret admirer.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
You wanna cry? Try using a tissue, it works much better than your Facebook status.
Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you’ll look back and realize that they were actually big things.
I wont block you or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I am without you.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
If ‘dress for the job you want’ were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Have you ever even watched MTV Cribs? I’m pretty sure we can keep downloading music without paying for it.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums.
Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again.
Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge, how the Hell did that get there?
Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can’t see them. Then right when you walk by them, they’re quiet.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it’s negative.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
I’m still waiting for the day that I will actually use
x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y – 5Z ³= ki n real life.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Women don’t go crazy, they are crazy. They just ‘go normal’ from time to time.
You and I are best of friends. Always remember I will pick you up if you fall. Right after I stop laughing.
While the optimist and pessimist argue over the glass of water, the opportunist sneaks in and drinks it.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Oh you got ‘Swag?’ I bet that looks great on your application to McDonald’s.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
“This isn’t my first rodeo” -Guy at his second rodeo
I could never stab someone, I have a hard enough time getting the straw into a Capri Sun.
Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you’re fired”
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Why do people in Horror Movies yell out “Hello?” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”