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Families are like a bar of chocolate, mostly sweet with a few nuts…
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
My favorite mythical creature: A Honest Politician.
who says nothing is impossible I`ve been doing nothing for years.
used to be schizophrenic but now both of us are alright.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Went home at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2.
is color blind and trying to solve a Rubik’s cube… This could take a while…
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
is color blind but is still trying to solve a Rubik cube. This could take a while.
Women who seek to be at an equal level with men, lack ambition.
Is swearing to drunk that he is not God.
Bought some batteries for my children as Christmas gift and it has a note that says ‘toys not included’.
Theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos. 🙂
arguing with himself, and losing
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
charming. His fortune cookie told him so
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Life’s a BITCH. No wait that’s me.
grandpa Farve is going in for the pass. sacked. ouch, broke a hip.
is as bored as a gay man in a hot tub full of lesbians!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back ever.
Children in backseats cause accidents – Accidents in backseats cause children.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I’m not short, I’m cuddle sized
Live is too short to be normal!
I am too young to be this old!!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
the yelp of a puppy after you take it out of the microwave
the click of an empty chamber when it’s your turn at Russian roulette
Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
It’s Saturday and I’m single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
coming down with fridayitis
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Thanks to the new alcoholic energy drinks, instead of the walk of shame, you can do the sprint of shame.
I recently saved a ton of money on child support by switching to condoms…
I like my women like I like my whiskey bottles: Tops off, bottoms up.
The longer the title the less important the job.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
kind of a big deal. People know him
gonna turn this car right around if you don’t start behaving!
Malcolm is dyslexic which means never having to say that you’re yrros.
is NOT the father!
used to be schizophrenic but now both of us are alright
is a cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
My mom thinks WTF means “wow thats fantastic” .. Today i texted her: mom i got and A on my English test my Mom said: WTF see you at dinner
I need a tall glass of Vodka for my thirst, a Valium for my Nerves, and a couple of FUCKIDOL pills for everything else.
Hey, since your back there talking about me , do you mind telling me how good my ass looks in these jeans.
is confused… Don’t ask me why, I don’t know either. That’s why I’m confused.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
Save a vegetable, each a doughnut!
A fart is the cry of a jailed turd
Monday is coming,RUUUUNNNNNNN!
everybody sounds Asian when they sneeze .
If life throws you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.
One spelling mistake can destroy your life. A Husband sent this to his wife: I’m having a wonderful time wish you were her.”
If a girl from iceland and a guy from cuba have a kid. Will he be an icecube?
Cinderella`s glass shoe fits perfectly, I wonder why it fell off in the first place?
I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I`m Batman!
is normal..it’s everyone else that’s weird.
Wow. Sarcasm. That`s way better than having friends.
is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark.
Procrastination (verb)-What you`re probably doing now.
Today’s random sporadic mess is brought to you by: Prozac and coffee D Cause being normal just isn’t enough.
Life’s a Bitch, so I became one!!!
wishes that people would stop stealing… that’s what we have the government for!!
thinks that if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast!
Be nice to nerds, chances are you will be working for them.
would rather check her Facebook than face her checkbook.
is SO COOL that he shot the Deputy after Bob Marley shot the Sheriff.
is SO COOL that if he jumped the shark then Happy Days would still be on the air.
knows that everyone has the right to be stupid… but some people are really abusing the privilege!
Jello is koolaid with a hard on (:
Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does
is an idiot wrapped in a moron.
loading brain . . . please wait
just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
still wonders what happened with the ninja met Chuck Norris…
is a part-time biologist, full time ninja!
may not look like much, but I’m a pro at pretending to be a ninja!
is thinking that this isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Celebrate Thanksgiving like your ancestors did. Invite the neighbors over, have a feast, kill them and steal their land.
Realized that today is the tomorrow he worried about yesterday.