Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

I’m not short, I’m cuddle sized

Live is too short to be normal!

I am too young to be this old!!

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?

the yelp of a puppy after you take it out of the microwave

the click of an empty chamber when it’s your turn at Russian roulette

Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him


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