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The best feature of the iPhone is the feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
Current caffeine level: scared Chihuahua
Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bug off, my dog does not own a bike!
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Why would I dance like nobody’s watching? People need to see this.
I’d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
I’m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue…
There are some people that come into your life and instantly you know you want them to get the hell out your life..
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
I’m proud to announce that I’m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don’t know we’re racing.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I swear to god if this girl doesn’t get my coffee order right I’m gonna tip her, drink it anyway & be back again tomorrow.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Can we collectively make a New Year’s resolution to never use the word “bae” again?
Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn’t want to go to in the first place.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying,
“I like where I wake up to always be a surprise.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’m an adult, but not “I watch the news & know what’s going on in the World & shit” adult.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can’t accidentally make a pizza?
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman’s home.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I’m 82.
Ironically the only way I’d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”
In hell you just stand in line at a DMV while “Happy” by Pharrell plays on an endless loop.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I’m at the gym or if I’m at Walmart
A threesome? No thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I’d go out to dinner with my parents.
If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can’t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pant leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I’m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to “mcnugget” a chicken?
The fact there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn’t ask me to help with stuff.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.
Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs
Before coffee: Hates nearly everybody. After coffee: feels better about hating everybody.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I used to wake up to cute texts. Now I just wake up to 100% battery.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee”
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
There are so many scams on the Internet now-a-days. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it
I’m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Nothing says “I’ve already given up on this day” quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.